The long and short of it! - A white guy is being shipped off to Jamaica for a year with the army. His fiance, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis...He agrees, and does so. When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis says good-bye to her fiance and he leaves for Jamaica. One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him... The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, "Wow, that's really interesting, I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too?" And the Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis and it says... "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!"
Singing Frog - A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
I hurt all over! - A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over!' 'What do you mean?' said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,'Ow, that hurts.' Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.' Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts!' The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?' 'Why yes,' she said. 'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'
Pirate Joke - What was the pirate movie rated? ARRRRRRR
Smokey and the Bandit - You know you're a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
Love the Dentist Quote - I love to go to the dentist. A man in white hovering over me while I'm trapped helpless in a chair. He cleans me. He flosses me. His instruments alive in my mouth. And just when I don't think I can take it anymore, he says, 'Good girl, Marcie, you can spit now.' - Marcie, from the "Married With Children" sitcom.
Shouting during sex - Two friends in a Bar: JACK: Joe, at what moment does your wife shout loudest during sex? JOE: Er..., when I clean myself off with the curtains.
Driving On One-Way Street - A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad, cause all the people were leaving!
Between Two Brunettes - Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block.
The Fight! - Kelly limps into his favorite pub... My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender. "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised. "He must have had something in his hand." "That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was." "Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?" "Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
Brunette's Mating Call - Q: What's a brunette's mating call? A: Has that blonde gone yet? A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!? A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Unusual State Laws - Connorsvill,Wisconsin: It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. Willowdale, Oregon: It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex. Oblong, Illinois: It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. (Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.) Alexandria, Minnesota: No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath. Ames, Iowa: A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other--- or holding her in his arms. Bozeman, Montana: Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they are nude. Newcastle, Wyoming: An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer. Illinois: A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called "master," not "mister," when addressed by their female counterparts. Norfolk, Virginia: A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called "corset inspector." Merryville, Missouri: Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the "privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." (This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, "Hallelujah!" or puke.) Helena, Montana: Law mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. Carlsbad, New Mexico: It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms. Florida: State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons. Cleveland, Ohio: Woman aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't." Tremont, Utah No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
Feminist Faux Pas - I don't think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a reporter, "As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top."
Grandpa is fine - A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they ring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it.I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true? "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed!"
Lesbian at the gynecologist - A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups. As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done. In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments. "Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice." The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"